I stopped writing. Now I’m trying again

I was lost.

To a certain extent, I still am.

Writing again will help me in the process of finding myself again. But for a long time now, I denied myself permission to write anything other than YouTube scripts.

It’s time I examined why.

Self-silencing paralysis and loneliness

After years as a psychologist, supporting organisations through the pandemic and even publishing three books, I found myself craving a fresh start. Writing, which once brought me joy, had become more of a chore.

But more than a chore, it became something of a bind. Because if I wasn’t a psychologist any more, then what would I write about? Could I even give myself permission to write anything that related to behaviour at all? And would I get into trouble with authorities if I wrote about this kind of thing?

In fact, what I think I ended up doing was stop myself from writing anything that focused in too much on humans at all.

Why?

External and self-regulation

Part of the issue was regulation. Once I deregistered as a psychologist, I was acutely aware of not wanting to misrepresent myself to the public. So I thought the best thing to do was to not say anything.

Anything at all.

But, not only did I self-censor, I completely self-silenced.

I cut myself off from my own experience entirely, and the social connections that came with them.

Some wiser reflection may have enabled me to begin writing again - but just for myself, in a less public way.

But I didn’t do that.

Because wisdom shuts down when you don’t allow yourself to think.

Which is what I essentially did.

But by shutting down my voice externally, I over-compensated and shut down my internal voice too.

Fear can do strange things to you.

🚀 Want to follow my creative process?

YouTube helped. But it’s not everything

But if I wasn’t going to write about what I had been thinking about for decades, then what on earth was I going to focus on?

I wanted to step away from psychology and pursue something else. A couple of things I’ve always truly enjoyed involved travel and tech.

That’s when I turned to YouTube. For over a year now, I’ve been creating videos on topics that interest me. But as many creators know, growing on YouTube is a slow process. The algorithm is unpredictable, and finding consistent growth can be challenging. While I’ve seen some progress, I realized I needed a new platform to complement my channel — a space where I could share more than just long-form video content.

But ultimately, it’s been satisfying only up to a point. It was a very focused kind of writing. A very task-focused and narrow non-exploratory writing.

Because YouTube loves you to be narrow.

And I have recently re-discovered that I want to be wider than YouTube will allow. Well, wider that it will allow me to be while still going an audience at a reasonable rate so I can actually derive an income from this adventure.

YouTube is great for videos, but I wanted a space for thoughts, stories, and other types of content that don’t fit into the typical YouTube mould.

Rediscovering the Joy of Writing and Variety Again

YouTube is great for videos, but I wanted a space for thoughts, stories, and other types of content that don’t fit into the typical YouTube mould.

After months of hesitation, I finally started writing again for The Techpacker, and it’s been refreshing.

Sometimes, I’ll speak out my thoughts and transcribe them; other times, I’ll sit in front of a blank screen and see what comes. This flexibility has made the process feel more natural and enjoyable.

It’s a return to the creative flow I had missed since stepping away from writing about psychology.

And not all of it is pubic. Some is just for me. And that differentiation has been very freeing.

The Techpacker is a place where I can share all the things that go beyond video — from photos and short vertical videos to written musings and even audio.

It’s where I can be more flexible with how I express myself and connect with you on a deeper level.

It’s where I can be more playful again. Where I can explore myself again, and perhaps connect with you as you explore yourself and the world around you.

The idea of creating something more dynamic and less restricted feels liberating.

Starting The Techpacker has reignited my passion for creating and given me a new sense of direction. It’s not a polished, multi-sectioned newsletter just yet, but I’m excited about where it’s heading.

And I’ve started to play with my own voice again. It’s a relief, but it’s also scary. Recognising the fear and now letting it paralyse me is a work in progress.

Social connection helps with that. So, if you’ve thoughts about this or how it may relate to some of your own experiences. I’d love for you to talk with me about it.

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